If you haven’t completely tuned out of the Trump administration and the reality TV/political shenanigans going down at the White House (or wherever Mr. Trump happens to be vacationing), you might know that Vice President Pence faced some controversy this past week regarding some bold statements he made about maintaining his marriage. For the sake of transparency, it should be noted that the comments were made in 2002, but recently highlighted in a profile piece that was published about his wife, Karen Pence.
According to the piece published in the Washington Post, when it comes to protecting your marriage against the infidelity, Pence feels like limiting the amount of contact he has with other women is a good start. The profile states:
“In 2002, Mike Pence told the Hill that he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side, either.”
In the original interview, Pence revealed to the reporter of The Hill:
“If there’s alcohol being served and people are being loose, I want to have the best-looking brunette in the room standing next to me.”
“It’s about building a zone around your marriage … I don’t think it’s a predatory town, but I think you can inadvertently send the wrong message by being in [certain] situations.”
When asked if the comments were still relevant today, Pence’s press secretary, Mike Lotter explained that perhaps Pence’s statements were being taken out of context:
“I think you are taking this entirely out of context. He set a standard to ensure a strong marriage when he first came to DC as a congressman, clearly that worked.”
It’s no secret that the Pences are highly religious being married in a Roman Catholic church in 1985 before later becoming evangelical Christians. The Washington Post highlights that Karen is the family’s unofficial “prayer warrior”. Supporters and critics cite her as the force behind her husband’s socially conservative stance against same sex marriage. When it comes to the Pence union and how they approach daily decisions, Ken Blackwell, senior fellow at the Family Research Council and a senior domestic policy adviser on the Trump transition team remarked:
“You can’t get a dime between them. It is not him seeking her approval, but his doing a sort of gut check with what they have learned together and come up through together in terms of their shared Christianity.”
So do the Pences have a point? Do you have to build a force field around your marriage against members of the opposite sex if you hope to save it from infidelity?
A few people may know that as happy as I am to be married, for me it involved the struggle of giving up a bit of independence and control. Marriage and building a family with someone is about having someone to depend on and allowing yourself the freedom to not have to “do it all”. But the one thing I appreciate about my spouse is the fact that, like I always say, “We were whole grown ass people before we met one another.” Given that we married in our thirties, there was a lot we had already gotten out of our systems when it came to traveling, dating and doing adult things. That combined with the fact that we took time to build trust are the reason that I feel that infidelity is not something we necessarily need to pro-actively protect our union from.
Don’t get me wrong, on some level (and this might be the only time I say this) I get where Pence is coming from. I remember my husband saying that wearing a wedding band didn’t mean much as far as communicating to folks that you’re in a committed relationship (i.e. “No, sir, I actually don’t need a friend.”). In fact, I feel like when I was seven months pregnant and waddling to work with an engagement on my finger, men actually tried harder when it came to asking me out. There isn’t a day when my husband doesn’t come home telling me about how a customer came downstairs half-dressed while he’s working under her sink just to say how lucky his wife is. Unfortunately, the reality is that some people just have no respect for marriage and view it as just another obstacle to overcome when it comes to snagging the person they want.
Pence is right when he says infidelity is real and there are folks out here with an agenda looking for happy homes to break up. You don’t believe ALL these basketball players and rappers are just out here being reckless without women who give zero damns about the wife/child’s mother he’s leaving her for. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that marriage is about what the people who made vows make them and that you can’t go blaming the other woman for making your man fall into bed with her. But I believe it’s naïve to think there aren’t folks out here plotting and planning on others’ happiness, and like Pence said sometimes it’s best to duck and dodge situations which might place you in an awkward position.
On the same token, I wouldn’t think my husband was doing me any favors by purposely avoiding situations where he has to interact with the opposite sex. I would never want him to be that guy who walks by my side looking at his two feet because he knows if he waves at a woman the wrong way I’m going to get offended. There’s something comforting about knowing that my spouse can have lunch with a female co-worker, give my best friend a ride from the bus stop because he was in the area and even think Ciara has the sexiest navel without him having to fight any sexual tension or it turning to a whole insecure argument between the two of us. I think there’s something healthy and honest about acknowledging that just because you’re married doesn’t mean your hormones shut down shop the moment your spouse isn’t up under you. I always say, “Just because you’re attracted to someone doesn’t mean you want to start a life with them.
Some feminists also remarked that Pence’s comments insinuates a view that all woman are “sexual temptresses” and that it’s impossible for women and men to have platonic relationships. Given the context of when these statements were made, I would like to think Pence was more so trying to avoid a Clinton/Lewinsky fiasco more than he was worried about landing in bed with a member of his staff after talking world relations over antipasto. But if Pence really has concerns when it comes to his judgement and his willingness to risk it all in a situation where there are cocktails and pretty women, he may have bigger concerns in his marriage than infidelity. At the end of the day it shouldn’t matter if Gigi Hadid is sitting on his lap butt naked after a couple of beers, if a marriage is built on trust then a man will make the right move and walk away. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react and that doesn’t mean you have to walk around in a bubble to avoid the opposite sex.
So as much as this administration loves the idea of building walls for protection not just around this country but around marriage itself I must say I’d rather have a picket fence around my union. I don’t think limiting interactions with the opposite sex make a relationship stronger. I think making peace with the fact that there will always be someone sexier, richer, and maybe even more romantic but you’ll still be in love with your partner anyway is what truly defines a marriage. Because deep down I know that no matter if Drake himself inboxed me with a request to have all his babies and he still wouldn’t “get me” like my husband does. Being faithful in a marriage is about growing and living in the world together despite what your union faces, because the moments when someone or something attempts to break it are when you’re truly reminded of what it’s made of.
Should married folks avoid interactions with the opposite sex?
Toya Sharee is a Health Resource Specialist who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
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