Marriage Myths Busted By Women Who’ve Married Multiple Times

[caption id="attachment_822747" align="alignleft" width="1068"] Bigstockphoto.com/Portrait of a beautiful mixed race woman outside resting on a palm tree[/caption] They say knowledge comes with experience, so it should be no surprise that people who have been married more than once can tell you a thing or two about marriage. While one’s "type" may change drastically from spouse to spouse—there are some things about marriage that remain true no matter who you said “I do” to. If you think about it, don’t most of your own breakups boil down to a handful of the same issues and pitfalls? The same goes for marriage, except that the issues and pitfalls are different, and the consequence are much more devastating and expensive. Here are marriage myths busted by women who’ve been married more than once. [caption id="attachment_626767" align="alignleft" width="420"] Corbis[/caption]

Myth: You can drive a man to cheat

Since cheating often occurs in relationships where fighting and upset was already happening, many women believe that they drive their men to cheat—that they essentially changed their partner’s values, through the process of fighting.   [caption id="attachment_702672" align="alignleft" width="468"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Reality: Cheaters are cheaters; you don’t make someone a cheater

Even if your relationship is unhappy and unhealthy, there are personality types who start communicating about this early on so that you can come to some sort of resolution—fix things or break up—and there are personality types who are too weak and insecure to do that, so they end up cheating. But they were the type to cheat—cheating is how they deal with tough times. [caption id="attachment_704623" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Myth: A distracted man is a bad husband

A lot of marriages end when one partner goes through a difficult time. Perhaps the man loses his job or a parent and becomes depressed for several months, neglecting his partner. Maybe his depression goes on much longer than it typically does for somebody in his situation, and their partners see them as “bad husbands” because they can’t find the strength to tend to the marriage. [caption id="attachment_704131" align="alignleft" width="524"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Reality: You signed up for that

It’s a real shame that people will leave marriages that were happy for five years because they hit a five-month rough patch. On the other side of that rough patch could’ve been another incredible twenty or thirty years. Being there for somebody means being there for them in tough times. So long as your partner doesn’t become cruel or abusive during tough times, he deserves some slack for being less than attentive. [caption id="attachment_704497" align="alignleft" width="429"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Myth: You should forgive but not forget

Your partner may screw up. He may not do something terrible like cheat, but he might be selfish on some issue (maybe he doesn’t want to visit your family because he doesn’t like them). If he eventually realizes he is wrong, apologizes, and fixes his ways, do you forgive and forget? Or just forgive, but remind him of his screw-ups from time to time? Many people think the latter. [caption id="attachment_694784" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Reality: You must truly forget

Part of forgiving someone is forgetting what they did (or at least not bringing it up anymore). That is, if you actually want your relationship to go back to being the way it was. If a partner is working on being better about something then remember that—it’s a work in progress. If your partner messes up once after months of doing much better, do not treat this mess-up as if it’s the tenth one in a row. It isn’t; it’s one mistake in an overall improving arc. [caption id="attachment_705805" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Myth: You can make yourself love someone

Part of maturity is recognizing someone who is good for you, circumstances that will be peaceful and productive, and conditioning yourself to love them—right? That’s what many people believe…people whose marriages end in divorce.   [caption id="attachment_694516" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Reality: Settling never works

If you settle even just a little for the person you marry, you will end up either A) Fighting every day B) Cheating C) Living separate lives where you never see each other or D) Getting a divorce. Those neglected desires and emotions in you find a way to rear their ugly heads.   [caption id="attachment_702843" align="alignleft" width="419"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Myth: Distance can be a good thing

Many unhappy couples just take distance. Perhaps one will take a job in another city for a little while, or the two will just move into different places and act like they’re still dating even though they’re married. This can give the illusion of improvement, for a while.     [caption id="attachment_620621" align="alignleft" width="425"] Corbis[/caption]

Reality: If you need that distance, there is a problem

If things have gotten so bad that you must be apart for weeks at a time, or live in different places, in order to get along, the marriage is already over. You stopped communicating a long time ago and either didn’t realize it, or didn’t want to do anything about it.   [caption id="attachment_618712" align="alignleft" width="630"] Corbis Images[/caption]

Myth: Your bond is unbreakable

You’re so bonded to your partner that, even if you get busy with work, or give a lot of your time to your friends and family, you’ll always feel very close to your partner, right? [caption id="attachment_614757" align="alignleft" width="420"] Corbis[/caption]

Reality: Bonds require time and attention

You must carve out time to be with your partner and really be with him. If this means taking two long vacations a year together or having a dedicated date night each week, no matter what, do it. If you don’t dedicate time and attention to your bond, you will drift apart. You don’t have to fight to drift apart; people who get along perfectly well drift apart all of the time. [caption id="attachment_611228" align="alignleft" width="420"] Corbis[/caption]

Myth: The honeymoon lasts two years

Many people believe that if they’re still getting along great with their partner after two years, then this is the one and they should get married. They think there are no more surprises.     [caption id="attachment_607568" align="alignleft" width="500"] Credit: Shutterstock[/caption]

Reality: It’s more like three to four years

A lot of marriages end in divorce because the people only knew each other for two years before getting married. Maybe the honeymoon ends after two years, but there is a sort of post-honeymoon that goes on for another year or two after that when you are still in a haze. Let that pass. [caption id="attachment_702891" align="alignleft" width="420"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Myth: Divorcées can make good spouses

The entire concept of this article may imply that people who’ve been married a few times will make good spouses. Not so fast!       [caption id="attachment_720240" align="alignleft" width="420"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Reality: Only if they’ve learned their lessons

If you meet someone who has been married more than once, ask them how they feel about that. If they simply blame their spouses, say life isn’t fair, or say anything that implies they don’t take responsibility for their circumstances then they haven’t learned a damn thing and, to be honest, it’s probably their fault they keep getting divorced. [caption id="attachment_714248" align="alignleft" width="425"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Myth: Your network should approve

Some people put a lot of emphasis on having their friends and family adore their spouse as much as they do. If they don’t, it can drive the person so crazy—crazy to the point that they no longer like their partner, either. Should your network’s approval be this important? [caption id="attachment_702872" align="alignleft" width="426"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Reality: So long as they don’t hate him, it’s fine

You’re never going to find someone who your entire network adores—that is very rare. Just make sure you’re with someone who your network isn’t worried about, and that’s all that should matter. Of course, if people are concerned that your partner is bad for you, that’s something to think about. But that’s it. [caption id="attachment_615258" align="alignleft" width="455"] Corbis[/caption]

Myth: You need married friends

For some reason, many people believe that surrounding their marriage with other married friends, and all the things married people do, will help protect their marriage.     [caption id="attachment_703566" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Reality: You can befriend whomever you please

If you have a strong marriage then you can still be friends with single people and go to nightclubs with them. You can even be friends with divorced people! Gasp! In fact, having a diverse friends group gives you a good grasp on things. If you just surround yourself with people who are all about marriage, marriage, MARRIAGE!...you may feel pressure not to admit when things are wrong in your marriage.

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