Earlier this week, Logan Hill, a relationship columnist at Cosmopolitan, was reached out to for advice to help a woman in a very interesting situation. She told him that her fiancé had another woman’s clothing in his car, but said that he claimed to have “no idea” where said clothing came from.
“I found a piece of clothing in my fiancé’s car that doesn’t belong to me,” she said. “He is the only one who drives his car and no one is ever in it. He says he has no idea how it got there or where it could have come from. I trust him but I have doubt. I am petite and this was a much bigger item of clothing I found. What do I do? How do I feel?”
A friend shared the story with me and we discussed how crazy it was. The fact that he had no idea, like, not a one, didn’t sound plausible. We shared theories, including the possibility that this woman’s fiancé was close to cheating, but had a change of heart, or that he gave someone a ride and they had the wrong idea about where things could go romantically/sexually with the guy. In both theories, the thought was that he was part of something unseemly and even if it wasn’t full-blown cheating, he doesn’t want to tell future wifey what really happened.
The idea was also thrown around that it would be interesting if a woman who was really into him went full Obsessed, dropping some drawls in his car in the hopes of creating a rift between this guy and his fiancée. By the end of our conversation, I said that I couldn’t really say how I would have handled it without proof, proof, as in, catching the guy in the act, but my friend knew exactly how she would have handled it.
“It’s moments like these when people don’t tell you what’s up that I’m on that, ‘CHECK HIS PHONE!’ sh-t” she said. “I’m a staunch supporter of that when it’s necessary, and right here, it’s necessary. You’re getting watched for a good few months unless you open your mouth.”
I laughed at her for being so open and confident in doing something that’s frowned upon by many. We are all due our privacy. Still, when it comes to matters of someone else’s heart (that could be getting toyed with), are we? I know, I know, checking a man’s phone is deemed as doing the absolute most. It’s pushing yourself to look for something that you’re likely going to find and not want to see. It’s thirsty. If you have to do all that you should just leave and blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth. However, what is one to do when they find something fishy and they can’t seem to get the full story from their partner about it? If you tried to confront them in the right way, is it time to do things in the wrong way?
I understand the idea that if you trust someone, you should be able to trust that what they’re telling you is true. You should be able to believe that they wouldn’t take part in anything that seems outside of their character. Still, some situations are a little too outside of the box to just let go without batting an eye, especially if your partner doesn’t, to your knowledge, have a history with you of cheating. Sometimes the mind just needs to be put at ease, and for many, the likelihood of dropping a future husband because of an unexplained stray piece of clothing without further proof of wrongdoing is low. You feel like you need to see an inappropriate message to confirm who was in his car, why and what they did. You need to walk into something you will later wish you hadn’t. You don’t necessarily want it, but you need confirmation that what you think could be going on is actually going on, or not happening, so you know how to proceed. Does that make it the “necessary” time to get your private investigator on?
My girlfriend believes it’s necessary unless you want to end up looking like #hurtbae. If my beloved hadn’t allowed her inkling to push her to look through the phone of a guy she dated a few years ago, she wouldn’t have known that he had a long-term girlfriend he was hiding. Or in the case of a colleague, if she hadn’t done it, she wouldn’t have known that a guy she was with had obtained a second phone to snoop on her. Or in a relative’s situation, without taking a peek, she wouldn’t have known that her boyfriend had been sending money to an ex to help her take care of a child from a previous relationship. Whether or not they chose to leave or stay with these men (in the latter situation, my relative stayed and he stopped sending that money–as far as I know), they got what they needed by digging, despite the bad rap that surrounds such methods…
I won’t advocate for anything this time around, but I wonder what you think about the idea of snooping not just because, but to do so when there are serious concerns that won’t be fully addressed. Is it always a no-no, or in some cases, is it actually necessary?
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