I’m not ashamed to admit that Lifetime’s Little Women reality show franchise is my guilty pleasure. Although I can’t stand Terra’s behind, Little Woman: L.A., the ones who originally proved that jealousy and drama have no height limit, always seems to suck me right in. So I found myself recently turning into a random episode of season 6, only to discover that the cast had survived a few rounds “Who Can get Pregnant First?” and “Who Can Have The Hotter Wedding?” only to end up still beefing over the same issues they’ve had since season one.
In this episode, the mini pack of mean girls can be seen ganging up on cast member Briana after her husband Matt reveals he kissed another woman while the group was out on an Alaskan getaway. After some arguing and confrontation between the couple and a few “I told you so” side-eyes being thrown by Briana’s friends, Briana talks to Matt privately where he basically says his infidelity is a result of their constant arguing and Briana’s irrational behavior that her friends are never around to witness. The group has never been the biggest fan of Matt and have already crowned Briana as the gullible one in the group who makes poor decisions in the presence of penis, so they were all too eager to support her in shutting down their marriage when Matt came clean about the incident. But of course Briana made the predictable decision to stay in her marriage and work to overcome their issues and her friends were not having it. When Briana attends the group’s 80’s- Themed Part with Matt in tow, friend Elena pulls her to the side to tell her she’s no longer entertaining the foolishness:
“My choice is not to be around your choice. For me I’m done with this guy and I’m just saying how it is. Maybe I’m not best kind of friend for you, maybe you need something else.”
“The friendship is built on things that you do together.”
“I am pretty much 24/7 with my family or with my husband. So the only way we would hang out is when with our families and I cannot stand your husband.”
The last line was where I had to pump my brakes. I have talked many BFF’s out of catching a case when they were ready to take a hot frying pan to their cheating boyfriend’s face. I have gotten my “Toya: Fix My Life” on for friends who found themselves being tossed like a load of sheets in the spin cycle of unhealthy relationships. I’ve refilled wine glasses in between tears and texted Mary J. lyrics in the morning after rough nights. But never once did I feel as if their decision-making or relationship drama was a good enough reason to end an entire friendship. What I will say to my friends who fail to respond to any saving I attempt, is that I’m only going to dish out advice and shoulders to cry on so many times before I no longer want to hear about that man or how hurt you for the umpteenth time. Can we still do happy hour? Yep. Can we still watch Queen Sugar every week and thirst over the tall glass of Nesquik greatness that is Kofi Siriboe? Yes. But what we won’t do is have our very Waiting to Exhale, man-bashing session on the regular just to discuss the same problems over and over that you refuse to try to approach differently.
Fortunately, I have never been close friends with my girlfriends’ partners or have really known them in any way outside of my friends themselves. So when break-ups occur it has been easy for me to cut all ties with men who I may have even thought were pretty cool up until the end. Although I always see my loyalty as lying with my friend first, I do understand that I may only be getting one side to a story that will more than likely look favorably on the one telling it. So I try to not make assumptions or base my opinions on anyone’s character based on a second hand description. But there are cases when I’ve been able to witness the jerkdom of friend’s partner firsthand to form my own conclusions, and even in those situations I don’t think I necessarily shut down all interactions with my friend because of who she chooses to love.
I think the issue occurs when a couple chooses to continuously bring their dysfunction to your good time. Even on Little Women: L.A., as contrived as some of these scenes may be, Briana continues to bring Matt to every Wild West themed party or every island vacation and inevitably they end up bickering because he was chatting with curvy Kathleen from Iowa a little too long or he’s sitting somewhere in a corner sulking about how much his wife’s friends hate him. Inevitably, it puts all of the other men in an awkward position because they want to enjoy time with their wives, and also not sell out their homeboy. So in some ways I can comprehend Elena’s concerns about Matt throwing off the group dynamic.
Every woman will date at least one guy that has her friends and family dishing out the passive aggression and asking her to come back to church. However, when you’re in that type of relationship you have to understand when your circle doesn’t love your man as much as you may or even when they don’t really like the person you are when you’re with him. And while you may love him, you have to question if it’s worth the remaining folks in your life falling back and giving you the space to suffer through the hard times alone. Because from what I’ve witnessed your friends keeping their distance isn’t always a reflection of any ill will. Those who have the best intentions don’t want to see you suffer, but the ones who are here for the drama will keep a front row seat.
Toya Sharee is a Health Resource Specialist who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
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